Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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