About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
