Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
