I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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