Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
