i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
