Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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