On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
