No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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