o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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