I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
