my room smells like sperm. sweet.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
