Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
