I'm sorry my penis didn't work
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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