First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
