Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
