I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
