We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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