I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
