I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
