He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
