Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
