P.S. I can't hear my feet
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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