Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
