this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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