I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
