Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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