Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
