I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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