I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
