Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
