My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
