He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
