I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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