some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
