if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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