my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
