Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
