My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
