I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
