i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
