so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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