I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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