you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
