kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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