she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
