theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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