I need help removing her.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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