Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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