he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
